Grace You Can Hold

gracen
april 23, 2011
8 lbs 3 oz



So glad to be blogging again....I have been a little preoccupied for the past month. Today, my precious little miracle hosed me with pee three times.  I think he even got to taste some of it!  You'd think I'd learn.  Still, I have never been so thankful...

Cranky Pants

I AM CRANKY.  I am so tired.  I haven't slept in nights, so I have officially entered delirium from sleep deprivation.  My body aches in places I didn't even know existed.  I can't see my feet.  My maternity clothes are barely covering my very ready-to-explode belly.  Who knew you could out grow maternity clothes of all things?  Going out in public is sure to draw unwarranted comments and second and third glances.  No, really I just get all out, obvious stares these days.  I have to pee every 20 minutes, and I am sure this baby is going to fall out any second.

I am 38 weeks pregnant, and I was not prepared to be pregnant this long.  The doctors told me I would probably not make it to term with this baby, and here I am, CRANKY and WAITING.  In five days, we are scheduled to meet this amazingly self-resilient baby boy.  For 36 weeks, I did everything I could to help this baby stay in.  Now at full-term, I have tried every possible homeopathic method around to make myself go into labor.  Nothing has worked, and all my efforts have made me uncomfortable and crazy.  This baby is as happy as a clam right where he is.  I am a nervous wreck.  Today, five days seems like an eternity.

Let me just go ahead and tell you, there is no sugar coating my current state these days, physically or mentally.  It is what it is, and I have to face up to it.  Sometimes life just doesn't feel sugar coatable, but I know one thing.  I am part of a bigger picture that goes way beyond the past nine months, and every baby is a true miracle.  So, today I am thankful for my CRANKY pants.  They may not be the most comfortable pants in the world (or the most fashionable), but that's the price you have to pay sometimes, right?

Graciousness for the Soul

"Mom, so many people have been so nice to us.  We should give them all thank you cards."       -A recent, out of the blue observation made by my seven year old son.

We are just an ordinary family of four, but my seven year old is right.  There is nothing ordinary about the showers of thoughtfulness we have experienced in the past few months.  From total strangers, to church members, to acquaintances, to close friends, to family near and far, so many have given of themselves just to make our days a little bit brighter and a little bit easier.  Now I know, first hand, the true meaning of grace. 

All of this graciousness, has me thinking...  Without a doubt, at some point(s) in our lives, we face times that force us to "acknowledge the limits of our abilities and the fragility of our soul (from Going a Little Farther, Hobbs pg.108)."  Life just happens beyond our control.  When our reality overwhelms us, there is no better medicine than grace in action.  So, how do we take intentions and thoughtfulness and use them to reach out to others in ways that are most meaningful?  Simply finding ourselves desperately needing prayers, support, and help can be stressful for some (not calling myself out or anything) in and of itself.  It leaves me that much more inspired to pay all this grace forward.

Like I mentioned earlier, we have experienced graciousness from all directions- strangers, acquaintances, friends, nearest and dearest friends, and family.  In the past, I have found myself holding back from reaching out to strangers and acquaintances for fear that I am being too intrusive.  I have learned from experience, though, there are things strangers and acquaintances can do that can be every bit as inspiring and supportive as the those acts that come from the nearest and dearest of friends.  I have also realized that the relationship we have with those in need determines how we are called to reach out with our acts of grace.   The more intimate and established our relationships with others , the more immediate, committed, and involved our acts of grace need to be in order to have the most impact on aching, troubled souls. 

I just want to share some thoughts about the graciousness that has uplifted our hearts and souls the past few months in hopes that it will inspire you in some way to pass it on...

So, what does grace look like in our daily lives?  We have felt its warmth in the most unexpected ways.  Grace is in the kind of hug that only mom can give when she drops everything to be there when you need her the most.  Grace is a heartfelt prayer spoken aloud over the phone by a long distance friend.  Grace is a spa-worthy pedicure at your bedside done with tender, loving care by your very own sister.  Grace is the family who holds your hands and bends over backwards at all hours so you don't have to go it alone.  Grace is a nanny whom you know was sent from above and brings sunshine with her each day.  Grace is a dear aunt's weekly phone calls, full of compassion, celebration and hope that come from her deep-seeded faith.  Grace is texts from your sister-in-law to celebrate all of your milestones.  Grace is cards of encouragement from complete strangers.  Grace is in delicious meals you do not have to cook.  Grace is in emails to let you know others are thinking of you.  Grace is in some of your favorite music put together on homemade cds from those who know you best.  Grace is a basket left on your front porch filled with fun distractions for all five senses.  Grace is a group of people who come together just to meet some of your needs.  Grace is a marathon mile someone runs in your honor.  Grace is play dates for your children, whose world has been turned topsy-turvy.  Grace is a busy mom who finds time to clean your bathroom and do some of your Christmas shopping to help save your sanity.  Grace is casual visits to catch up with long time buddies.  Grace is good news, despite the odds.  Our list goes on beyond the most carefully chosen words...

Grace is love beyond anything we could ever deserve or possibly repay.  Grace just shines in and makes reality a little bit easier to handle.  Grace is a person who walks in your shoes, if only for a minute, to anticipate your needs before you can even process them.  Grace is not in the emptiness of spoken words but the fullness of acting on thoughtfulness.  On that note, grace is not asking what you can do, but in just making the time to do what God calls you to do.  Grace is a steady rainbow of prayers and action near and far, providing peace and strength in the middle of a storm.

On a side note...It will be no surprise to you, now, to know why we have decided to name our bundle of heavenly joy, Gracen.  He is not even here yet, and he has strengthened our faith, refreshed our spirits, and inspired us to be active vessels of God's grace.

Good News!

"Mommy, when I grow up, I'll get bigger like you, right?  My butt will grow bigger like your butt has grown bigger, right?"  

--Straight from the mouth of one of my precious children, who shall remain nameless, after noticing my belly isn't the only expanding body part since I became pregnant.

                                                                              
Day #120, now on modified bed rest...I just have to share the good news.  The doctors are amazed at my healing and progress, and I can now move around the house for an hour, total, a day.  Some would call this a small progression from bed rest to house arrest.  I call it a giant step towards freedom and Independence.  Who knew that could be so exhilarating?  The baby is hanging in there and putting up with me.  We could not be more grateful at our house!   Go, baby, go!

Bed Rest Top 10

"Do you miss the bups Mommy?  I miss the bups."    -Recent words out of the mouth of my three year old.

Children have such a way with words, don't they?  My little boy's words are so simple, but so full of love and meaning.  For those of you who are wondering what "bups" are, that is what my little boy says when he wants me to pick him up and hold him.  He came into my bathroom the other day while I was putting on my makeup, snuggling his favorite bear to his face.  He looked up at me with those big brown, long-lashed eyes, and let me know what was on his mind.  Clearly, it is the simplest things he misses the most since I have been put on strict bed rest.  And, I don't think he could have said it better.  He's right.  "Bups" are the kinds of things that should matter the most, all the time.  It is just way too easy to take the jewels of simplicity for granted when we have them sparkling in front of us every day.


I think God must have decided I really needed a break or a wake up call to stop and smell the roses.  Today is day #103 on bed rest, and I still have 13 weeks to go before our precious bun in the oven will be considered fully cooked.  Bed rest for a girl like me, who has never been good at sitting still, can be a much dreaded nightmare.  After crying, worrying, and protesting, it occurred to me that I am living a once in a lifetime opportunity.  These are my doctors' orders.  I have been told to do nothing.  How many people are lucky enough to get to do nothing, guilt free, AND still have their health in tact? 


That brings me to thinking about my top 10 bed resting blessings...

10.  A bed staycation.  Basically, I get an inarguable excuse to be lazy on purpose.  It's an art, really, and no one can be mad at me for it.  I am just following doctors' orders.  In fact, some people even feel sorry for me, which can have many advantages, especially when it comes to my husband. 


9.  Catch up time for living, life, and culture.  I have all of this new found time...time to soak in movies, books, blogs, and other forms of social media and networking.  I even have time for all those phone calls I've been meaning to make but haven't gotten around to just yet.  Oh, and did I mention that I have played, and gotten quite good at, some of my son's favorite video games?  Yes, it feels good to be a kid sometimes!

8.  Same shoes, new feet.  My husband has been forced to fit his big daddy, bread-winning feet in my little, stay at home mommy shoes day in and day out and take off running.  He now knows that it's no cake walk in my shoes, and my shoes come with many "hats."  On top of his daddy duties, my husband is learning to be a nurse, a babysitter, a maid, a teacher, a disciplinarian, a mediator, a house manager, a taxi driver, a cook, a social coordinator, and a personal shopper just to name few.  With new shoes, it would be easy for him to run away, but he's jumping in and stepping up.  I love him for that.     

7.  Simple abundance.  I appreciate my life.  Instead of sweating the small stuff like errand running, clothes washing, and house cleaning, to name a few of my many smalls stuffs, I am loving the big stuff.  Not only that, I realize that the small stuff is circumstantial and inconsequential to being happy at the end of the day.  The big stuff, ironically coming in packages of all sizes, is certain and unshakable under all of life's possible circumstances.   

6.  Help.  I have been forced to learn to graciously accept help.  For me that means letting go of the self-reliant stubbornness that I usually find myself holding onto so tightly.  The truth is, allowing others to help, opens a door for letting down my guard and being vulnerable and humble. 


5.  True friends and fabulous family.  My true friends and fabulous family shine through in their random, but deliberate and thoughtful acts of kindness.  They hurt, struggle, cry, smile, laugh, and celebrate with me, making these uncertain days a little less scary and a lot more comfortable.  Our relationships are stronger because we are sharing in this experience. 

4.  The still perspective.  Instead of being a part of the rat race, I am forced to sit still as the world around me keeps going.  Things look differently when you are still and everything else is moving.  I have an invitation to make "stillness" a part of my everyday life, even when I am not confined to the bed. Granted, I am getting it in rather large doses right now, but I think making time to be still is a necessity if I really want to hear and know what The Man Upstairs has in store for me.


3.  Prayer power.  I am living proof of the power of prayer.  I have always been an extremely private person, not one to share much about my personal life.  This is all part of my obsession to be self-sufficient.  This pregnancy has changed all of that.  First we were told that the baby might not make it through the night, and he did.  Next, we were told that he might not make it through the next few weeks, and he did.  Then, we were told that even if the baby makes it, he and I are at risk for serious health issues.  I did not know how to sleep at night with that uncertainty constantly looming over me.  But, guess what?  I did sleep.  I am sleeping because I asked everyone I know and even people I don't know to pray for us.  And here I am at 24 weeks pregnant, 103 days of bed rest, and the baby is looking good and so am I.  That's not to say we are out of the woods, but we have defied our doctors' logic to this point.  That's the power of prayer.  So if you are one of those prayer warriors that have helped us along the way, THANK YOU!  You are keeping us going. 

2.  The Takeover.  There is nothing scarier to a parent than hearing that your baby's life and health are at risk.  I am in the middle of one of those life situations that proves I am not in control here.  I could worry myself sick each day, but that is not healthy, nor will it make the situation better.  When things in life get so overwhelming, the only thing we can do is let go, and just trust God to completely take over.  It is almost counter intuitive, but it's true.  God is in charge anyway.  No matter how things turn out, I believe God is good and full of love.  Whatever happens will be full of purpose and part of the hand-painted, big picture God is creating for me.

1.  My little miracle.  No matter how you look at it, every child in this world is a miracle.  So many things have to happen just right for a child to end up in the hands of his parents.  I have said so many times that there really is no better gift in life than holding your baby for the first time, made by the hands of God and entrusted to you.  It is truly divine.  So, I can do bed rest for as long as I need to in the hopes of getting to hold my new, precious, thriving miracle at the end of this journey.  It will be so worth it.

Christmas and More is Merrier

Just after opening presents this Christmas, I overheard my three year old niece, dressed in her brand new Snow White costume, calling to my three year old son, adorned in his fresh from the box Buzz Lightyear wings, "Buzz Lightyur, Buzz Lightyur!  Come save Snow White fwom the dwagon.  He's twying to get me!"     

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.  As a kid, I loved this time of year because it meant Mom had some time off work, my sister and I were out of school, and Santa was coming to town.  For much of my life, Mom was a single, working parent, and I honestly do not know how she managed to pull it all off.  We ran around at the last minute shopping for presents, frantically putting up the tree, stringing popcorn, scurrying to get out our Christmas decorations, and pulling late nighters to get ribbons on all the packages (mom insists on beautiful handmade ribbons to this day, and I will be passing that on to my own children).  Christmas morning arrived year after year with Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers singing "I Believe in Santa Claus" in the background.  It has always been our quintessential song for getting the good cheer and Christmas spirit flowing.  Most of the time it was just the three of us, but in our earlier years, we might share Christmas with a grandparent or two and my dad.  Still, Christmas was a small, intimate family gathering in my own house that was over in the blink of an eye, and for sure, everyone was guaranteed a bed for sleeping.

Then I became a wife and a mom, and Christmas, among other things, had to evolve.  As I learned when I married my husband, beds are not a guarantee or a necessity for any family gathering, especially Christmas.  While I grew up living with mom and sis, my husband is tied to a very close-knit, big extended family, none of whom mind sleeping on top of each other, literally.  Personal space is not a priority.  This is a very difficult reality for someone like me who can't even pee if others are within earshot.  Christmas is a prime example of our struggle over the years to find a compromise for our two family extremes.  Actually, saying we struggled doesn't come close to describing the all out blow ups that ensued trying to make our Christmas celebrations fair for all families, keeping in mind that I come from a very complicated, divorced family.  We started out alternating holidays with us traveling to one house or another other every other year.  Then we had kids, and we learned very quickly that the most thought out plans get shoved aside, quite frequently.  Christmas holidays bring out the unexpected bad weather, illnesses, family deaths, car trouble, and this year the never-ending bed rest.  There is no such thing as a fair way to alternate families and Christmases.

Bed rest and Christmas.  Those two things coinciding, as they did this year for us, opened a whole new can of potential Christmas chaos.  Traveling was out of the question.  I was lucky to even make it downstairs Christmas morning.  What to do?  Well, I'll tell you what we did.  We embraced Christmas chaos.  Before I knew it my house was covered from wall to wall in parents, in-laws, sisters, little cousins, a puppy, presents, presents, and presents, luggage, sleeping bags, air mattresses, blankets, holiday goodies, food, food, and more food.  The only thing we didn't have in abundance was space. 

And then, Christmas morning arrived with the all familiar "I Believe in Santa Claus" music jamming in the background.  The house was rockin'.  The smells of the tree, fresh coffee, and sausage balls filled the air.  Who knew reindeer poop on our roof and visible to all could be so intriguing (thanks to my husband's disgusting sense of humor)?  Presents took over the living room.  The kids came downstairs to see what Santa had left behind, eyes sparkling and wide, their little bodies just vibrating with excitement.  The grown-ups just sat and encircled the kids, watching as the morning unfolded (that's really all we could do because there was no room for movement unless we wanted to risk serious injury). 

This was true Christmas chaos, much different from the small, intimate Christmas mornings I grew up knowing.  In the middle of chaos, there I was in the coziness of my den, surrounded by family I love so much, buried in multiple conversations full of laughter, the Christmas lights reflecting the pure joy of Christmas in the eyes of my children and their cousins.  The joy was unavoidably contagious and pure.  My house was overflowing with the warmth of love, peace, and the sweet spirits of beloved family members who have gone before us, reminding me that  "Every good and perfect gift is from above (James 1:17)."  I truly cherish the Christmas chaos I experienced this year.  What a good and perfect gift!

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Congratulations! Today is your day.  You're off to Great Places!  You're off and away!     -Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You'll Go!

How many of you received this classic graduation book, Oh, the Places You'll Go!, for one milestone or another?  This book is full of encouraging and supportive words for the wide open world and infinite possibilities of greatness that await us.  And even though the book warns us of life's unavoidable tough times and "prickly perches," the expectations for us are the highest of high.  No pressure, right?

Do you ever stop and wonder, "How did I get here?"  Well, here I am.  I just celebrated my 32nd birthday, and those expectant words from Dr. Seuss still ring in my ears.  Am I fulfilling my "brainy" and "footsy" potential to "move mountains" and be the "winning-est winner of all?"  Am I in the midst of "Great Places?"  Am I doing enough with my God given talents and gifts?  My quick answer is no.  I can always do more.  I am in a good place, yes, but I haven't exactly moved mountains or become famous for my accomplishments.  Once we jump into life, how are we to balance our expectations for what life offers with where we find ourselves at any given point in time?  That is really a never-ending dilemma.

Instead of continuing to be the ambitious, busy work-aholic I had been my whole life, I have spent most of my post-married life growing and nurturing my family.  I have become a busy stay-at-home mom full of sleepless nights, diapers, play dates, homework, dinner parties, and community projects.  As of today, I am on my 80th day of bed rest due to complications from my third pregnancy.  Once this little one arrives, I will be a mom of three boys.  Me, a mom of three boys?  A high-risk pregnancy?  A homemaker?  The list of life's surprises for me, and for you, I'm sure, is endless.

When I am not forced to sit still on bed rest, I often run around from day to day like a crazy woman trying to cross everything off my to-do list.  Going through my daily routine doesn't usually translate into working on my own expectations and dreams for life; and for some silly reason, I let myself feel guilty about that.  It does, however, mean that I can go through an entire day without time to hear myself think about much of anything.

Enough is enough with the self-inflicted expectations already!  Why in the world do we put expectations on ourselves for how life should be or will be?  Yes, there are some things we can control; but for the most part, we are not in charge, people!  We can plan the best of plans, organize like no other, analyze our world, and even attempt to predict what lies ahead.  The truth is though, who knows the places we'll go.  None of us can change yesterday or control tomorrow  Life happens, and it happens on purpose, be it "high heights" or "hang-ups and bang-ups."  I am certain of life's purpose because I believe in a loving, sovereign God. 

I am not going to lie (no pun intended), bed rest for this long can make you kind of crazy when you are used to going ninety miles an hour all the time.  On a positive note, looking at the world from the confines of my bed has been a wake up call for me.  Life is definitely a journey, and the "Great Places" Dr. Seuss describes are not necessarily about traveling to far away, exotic places and becoming rich and famous for our ambitious accomplishments (even though that is a possibility).  Instead, "Great Places" are for us to recognize and embrace in our here and now.  "Great Places" are not an accident or luck of the draw, nor are they limited by our circumstances.  Going to"Great Places" is about how we intentionally and conscientiously choose to focus our time and energy.  "Great Places" exist in even the most ordinary daily lives, and if we visit them with eyes wide open, they can turn our ordinary lives into extraordinary ones.

I want to recognize and appreciate my own "Great Places."  That is the whole point of my blog.  For this to happen, I need to be what Dr. Seuss so cleverly terms a "mind-maker-upper."  I have to stop getting caught up in my own routine rat race.  Oh, the Places You'll Go! isn't just a fun and inspirational graduation book.  It provides an ingenious way to welcome each of our todays, "with brains in your head and feet in your shoes," you and I can choose to be mind-maker-uppers.  I can't wait to see where this revelation takes me.